Impossibilities

"Free, come set me free! Down on my knees, I still believe you could save me from me. Come set me free, come set me free! Inside this shell there's a prison cell" (Switchfoot, "Free").


"You and I were two old and tortured souls repaired by a love of broken things. In a life, just some bodies growing old, no fear of the end, of anything" (Foo Fighters, "Statues").


"I could pull you from this cellar; we could break these chains together and you'll become just what you always meant to be" (Deas Vail, "Life in These Little Boats").


"Sometimes you find yourself waiting, waiting for someone to come around and it's hopeless hoping to be found. Then it arrives and says 'You're perfect, my love'" (Foster the People, "Broken Jaw").


"All the bright coloured fish tell of a treasure in a dull shell. 'Such subtlety, so easily missed!' You, my hidden pearl of pure and perfect love" (mewithoutyou "Tie Me Up! Untie Me!").

News

I don't think it's possible for the curse of human suffering to be displayed in a more effective way. I have loved this image for such a long time because it's soooo... clear. I wish I had words to describe its perfection (which was shot by magnusmagnus of flickr.com).

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by the burden of sin upon the world. The shear magnitude of suffering that exists at any given moment can threaten to topple my precarious mental shields. In those moments, it's a picture like this that reminds me that I'm not alone in my anguish; there are other people who can understand and appreciate the desire for a better world and the pain of its current state of existence.

Apathy is our worst enemy. Don't try to fix everything. Find one thing that needs healing and let God use you to stitch the wounds together again.

Crime and Punishment

I would just like to state for the records that Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment is an incredible book. I usually have an exceedingly hard time getting through books written by Russians. The characters have ridiculously similar names with about six different nicknames. They have titles that change depending on which character is referring to them... brother, aunt, friend, or enemy.

In this respect, Crime and Punishment is no different, BUT the character development and quality of writing is so superb that this quickly becomes a trivial inconvenience compared to the thrill and fascination that develops while reading this book. The author brings such a deep psychological understanding to the style of his writing. The reader finds himself or herself immediately identifying with the main character, someone who is not at all likable but is portrayed in a way that connects with the reader. As a bonus, the ending is very redemptive and I closed the book after finishing it with a sense of hope and clarity rather than the murky darkness with which so many darker stories tend to conclude.

The book is not perfect, but overall it was a very good read. If you haven't read it then you need to put it at the top of your list immediately.

The Curse of Vulnerability

I am terrified of taking a wrong step that will jolt my heart out through my mouth and onto the ground, leaving it there bruised and beating with no protection and no way to prevent being crushed underfoot. Is being vulnerable the riskiest thing I can do? Is exposing your soul to a stranger as frightening for someone that doesn't feel every bump in life and prod from the world like a shock running through the body?

What Rhymes with Yogananda?

Baby Panda!

I hereby declare this day to be Baby Panda Picture Day!

(They can't help it that their faces make your heart melt.)

Perhaps too Deep for Beginners...

Instead of dwelling solely on our forgiveness (which I'm not saying should be overlooked, by the way), she emphasized that when Jesus dwells in us, He radiates righteousness through us. It was the righteousness that I had forgotten. Not only does God forgive us, but He declares us to be obedient, and labels us as righteous despite our sinful being. REALLY? How have I been missing that for so long??? What an essential reason to rejoice in God! Not only are we initially washed clean, but we are declared righteous from then on! I think I had been feeling that every time I sinned after accepting God's forgiveness, I would have to be washed clean AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. And certainly we must confess to God our sins, our faults, and our misconducts, and be ashamed when we realize that we've sinned against God. But it doesn't force us to start over from the beginning again! We have been declared righteous by God, and no earthly power can rip that from us.

So, that was my first revelation of the week. The second was this... I dwell so much on how much I hate my current situation and forget how amazing God's gifts to me have been. In the past month or so, my thoughts have not only been on my struggles with civil engineering, but on how hurt I was by my former roommate's treatment of me. Then, in the same discussion with my psychologist, she asked what was different between my relationship with my roommate and my relationship with my friends at Wheaton. It was pondering that question that reminded me of how blessed I have been by the friends that have always stuck around. I am still dealing with the pain of realizing that I placed more importance in a relationship with someone than she placed in it and in me, but now, God is showing me just how incredible and consistent the friends that remain with me truly are. 

I've never been able to adequately say these sorts of things to people face-to-face. It is a shortcoming that may make me even more ashamed than my other sins. Shame that I don't dwell upon such blessings enough. Shame that when I am reminded of these things, I don't share my thankfulness with others. What good does it do to keep these things walled up inside? I have never bothered to push pass my own fear of rejection to say what an amazing amount of good you have been in my life. So, since I still can't say it face-to-face, here it is now. 

Before I wrap up this post, I want to tell you how I (haltingly and imperfectly) described how I feel about the relationships that have lasted. With those relationships, we have been open. In being open, we don't simply share the pieces of ourselves that we want others to see, but have been honest about our shortcomings. We know each other to be imperfect, flawed people, and yet we rejoice in each other all the same. Something about knowing someone on their worst day makes the good ones seem so much more real. They move from something fleeting and temporary to something real and lasting. So, thank you for sharing so much of yourselves with me, and thank you for being there when I act or feel small and mean.

The Purplish Shades of Schkundrat

Updates! Bretterson calls for updates, and Bretterson gets them! There will be so much to read! In this post, there will beeeeeeee ... cats! dorms! books! pandas! engineering! intrigue! murder! Okay, maybe not the last two. But.... maaaaaaybe!


So. I'll set the scene in my Lafayette apartment. I was happily situated for the summer, I was the proud owner of two extremely fluffy cats, my sister was living with me in order to take a French class, life was good. The thing was, my roommate was still around and things were up and down between us. A lot of it had to do with the fact that there were mixed feelings about the move to come at the end of July to a house owned by my roommate's parents that to me didn't feel like home (mostly because I wouldn't be able to bring my fluffy dependents along with me). 


The move came, we were in the middle of packing, and then suddenly it was discovered that I was expected to sign a lease that required me to remain for an entire year even though I'm graduating at the end of the fall semester (No more engineering! Ever! Until I get a job!) This had never been brought up before, and I hadn't expected  a lease to be involved since the home belonged to my roommate's parents, nor did I intend to sign away another 7 months of my life when the search for a job could lead me practically anywhere. 


In the end, I was forced to move back home to my parents' and hope and pray that housing could be found before classes started. The waiting list for on-campus housing was closed because so many people had applied, and everyone had already found housing for the coming semester. Who would take in someone planning to stay for only one semester only three weeks before the beginning of that semester?


Then, a call! The housing office had an open space in Hillenbrand Hall! I grabbed at it like a lifeline. After all, Hillenbrand Hall was for upper classmen, I wouldn't have to make my own meals, I would be close to my classes, and I wouldn't have to worry about falling through more loopholes like the ones I had already encountered.


So, there's my fun housing story. Now I am tucked away in a nice little double with Panda, Panda Jr., Beaker, and a new roommate from India who seems very sweet. (It's a little bit awkward because she found out I was a Christian on Facebook and now she does stuff like hushing her friends when they swear and asking if I'm okay with being alone in our room with her boyfriend and whatnot, but I find it rather amusing.) My two fluffy companions are living at my parents' house. They have yet to befriend my dad's new cat, Sweet Baby Otis, but they love the screened-in porch and the dogs usually don't bother them. Sweet Baby Otis is abnormally social towards other cats and will attempt to pounce on my cats when they don't expect it, which results in lots of hissing and running.


It's my last semester of engineering! Ever! My classes aren't too overwhelming yet, and I'm pretty excited about my senior design project, especially since I'm working with a team instead of individual work.


Ummmmm, what else? Oh, I read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. It was fantastic. It's a fictional story written from the point of view of a young man who is autistic and amazing with numbers. I found it to be very eye-opening and enjoyed the plot quite a bit as well. Definitely would recommend it to anyone who's interested.


Yep. Soooooo, I guess that's all for now. Hope that was all worth reading!