Perhaps too Deep for Beginners...

Instead of dwelling solely on our forgiveness (which I'm not saying should be overlooked, by the way), she emphasized that when Jesus dwells in us, He radiates righteousness through us. It was the righteousness that I had forgotten. Not only does God forgive us, but He declares us to be obedient, and labels us as righteous despite our sinful being. REALLY? How have I been missing that for so long??? What an essential reason to rejoice in God! Not only are we initially washed clean, but we are declared righteous from then on! I think I had been feeling that every time I sinned after accepting God's forgiveness, I would have to be washed clean AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. And certainly we must confess to God our sins, our faults, and our misconducts, and be ashamed when we realize that we've sinned against God. But it doesn't force us to start over from the beginning again! We have been declared righteous by God, and no earthly power can rip that from us.

So, that was my first revelation of the week. The second was this... I dwell so much on how much I hate my current situation and forget how amazing God's gifts to me have been. In the past month or so, my thoughts have not only been on my struggles with civil engineering, but on how hurt I was by my former roommate's treatment of me. Then, in the same discussion with my psychologist, she asked what was different between my relationship with my roommate and my relationship with my friends at Wheaton. It was pondering that question that reminded me of how blessed I have been by the friends that have always stuck around. I am still dealing with the pain of realizing that I placed more importance in a relationship with someone than she placed in it and in me, but now, God is showing me just how incredible and consistent the friends that remain with me truly are. 

I've never been able to adequately say these sorts of things to people face-to-face. It is a shortcoming that may make me even more ashamed than my other sins. Shame that I don't dwell upon such blessings enough. Shame that when I am reminded of these things, I don't share my thankfulness with others. What good does it do to keep these things walled up inside? I have never bothered to push pass my own fear of rejection to say what an amazing amount of good you have been in my life. So, since I still can't say it face-to-face, here it is now. 

Before I wrap up this post, I want to tell you how I (haltingly and imperfectly) described how I feel about the relationships that have lasted. With those relationships, we have been open. In being open, we don't simply share the pieces of ourselves that we want others to see, but have been honest about our shortcomings. We know each other to be imperfect, flawed people, and yet we rejoice in each other all the same. Something about knowing someone on their worst day makes the good ones seem so much more real. They move from something fleeting and temporary to something real and lasting. So, thank you for sharing so much of yourselves with me, and thank you for being there when I act or feel small and mean.